The Third Discourseman
That’s right, you read the title correctly. No figure- no matter how beloved- is safe from this Discourseman’s hard-hitting journalism. And no figure has escaped deserved scrutiny more than Santa, everyone’s favourite festive fable. For those unfamiliar, Santa Clause is the fictional lead at the centre of a nexus of lies, global in scope. He’s a legendary jolly old man that hands out gifts across the known world every Christmas. His mythology typically includes features such as his residence in the North Pole or Lapland, his use of elves for manufacturing and a reindeer-driven flying sleigh for distribution, his use of chimneys to enter/exit homes and his iconic white beard and red suit. And this mythos is fed by parents everywhere to their young children, who believe this figure to be real, and the real source of some (or all) of their Christmas presents. There are many reasons to be disturbed by this set of circumstances; this article will merely present 10. Enough foreplay- let’s get on with the iconoclasm.
1. Lying is a Sin
Really, I should be able to end my list here. Can you name any other situation in which it is deemed morally acceptable to utilise the higher brain function of the adult population to manipulate susceptible children into believing a matrix of mendacity? Where we straight up lie to their faces, even if it is for their entertainment? Need I go any further?
2. Gaslighting Children is Wrong
I needn’t go further, but I shall. Have you ever stopped to ask yourself how much gaslighting goes on at Christmas? I have. And the answer is disturbing.
‘Why are the cookies I put out gone?’ ‘Santa must have came and eaten them.’
‘How come I saw mummy put the stocking at the end of my bed?’ ‘Santa was busy, and so he had to give it to mummy to give to you.’
‘How come the Santa at the shopping centre this year looks different to the one last year?’ ‘They look the same to me, maybe you’re hallucinating again…’
And so on. Given how much effort it is to maintain this conspiracy, it’s a wonder there aren’t more people like me promoting its downfall.
3. Santa is Classist
Hear me out. If you’re reasonable and open minded I may be able to lift the wool that the Tories have been pulling over your eyes…
Picture the scene with me. Poor Pete is a 6 year old boy in a single parent household, with three siblings. His mother works part time as a cleaner while trying to raise four children on her own. He gets socks for Christmas, while his friend rich Rich gets a PS5. Now this is a sad reality however you look at it, but at least on its own it teaches Pete an important lesson- ‘Life on this earth really does suck and is unfair. And often there’s not much you can do about it. This isn’t because Rich is better than you- it’s simply because he was born into a different household, a fact he had no control over.’ But superimpose the Santa mythology, and an altogether different lesson emerges. Because then it is a singular entity, Santa, responsible for both gifts. Pete may have poorer parents, but he doesn’t have a poorer Santa. And so he is left to the inevitable conclusion that somehow Santa prefers Rich to him. That Rich has been a better boy this year, or that Santa himself is classist and only gives good presents to middle class and above children. Rich is no better off. Rather than learning to be grateful and generous with his wealth, he is left thinking that Santa must prefer him to the poorer children, promoting entitlement and hubris.
4. Santa is Cultural Appropriation
It is common knowledge that Santa is an amalgam of legend, history and capitalist propaganda, drawing in strands from Eastern Christianity, Dutch/Belgian/Swiss folklore and Coca-Cola ads. Cultural appropriation is either wrong or it isn’t. If it is, then what is it exactly that makes Lapland exempt? And if it isn’t, then why can’t I do a war chant while I watch the Exeter Chiefs play rugby, or enjoy Tom Cruise playing a Samurai in ‘The Last Samurai’? I just don’t understood the world anymore.
5. Belief in Santa Compromises Home Security
That’s right, your moral integrity is not the only thing being compromised when you teach your kids that an old man’s annual, global, breaking-and-entering spree is ‘festive fun’. Now I’m not saying that your child’s only purpose, or even their main purpose, is to be alert to prevent burglaries. That’s why we have dogs and firearms. But if I had to choose between children that are hyper-vigilant versus unsuspecting, unassuming children happy to have strangers rooting around in their stuff, I know which I’m going for. The last thing you want is for your kids to happily pretend to be asleep the next time there’s an unexpected man going through their stuff at night. It doesn’t take a genius to see how that one could pan out.
6. It’s Creepy
It’s not just the compromise to security that should make the last paragraph disturbing. Teaching your children to believe in an old man that watches everything they do, a stranger that breaks into their home at night to give them presents? Yeah, it’s pretty weird when you think about it.
7. Future Ramifications
If you do successfully deceive your child into believing this fiction, you’re left with two possibilities (assuming they don’t die prematurely): 1) At some point they discover that you’re a manipulative liar capable of perpetuating a false narrative for years, and their confidence in your word is shaken, or 2) You have an adult child that still believes in Santa. Either way, you’ve failed as a parent.
8. Why Should Santa Get All the Credit?
If I work my ass off to be able to buy presents for my kids, I certainly don’t want some polar philanthropist getting the glory. I’d want my kids to know that I thought of that gift, bought it, gave it, and can take it away if they play up. This isn’t some socialist utopia. That stuff under the tree? It cost me. It’s not a handout. You wanted something better? Feel free to pay for it yourself.
9. Santa Reinforces Works-Righteousness
Sure, go ahead. Throw five centuries of reformed Protestantism down the drain, just because you want to teach your children that grace at Christmas is only available to those on the ‘nice list’. Martin Luther didn’t die for this…
10. Christmas is magical enough already
If a child has really understood Christmas, that the Word through whom all things were made became human and lived among mankind on earth, that the Saviour Christ the Lord is born, then interspersing these stories with tales of elves and flying reindeer won’t make it more exciting, it’ll make it less. The best news ever needs no bolstering. And if you really can’t go through Christmas without mentioning old men with white beards or magical flying animals to your children, read them the book of Revelation.
So there you have it. There’s more that could be said. I haven’t even gone into how Santa’s ethics regarding economics and workers’ rights somehow, in a way you’d think impossible, combine the worst aspects of Marxism and slavery (free presents for everyone, unless you’re an elf). But we’ll leave that for now. I hope I have done enough to ruin Santa for you and your children and your children’s children. If this blog has the sort of impact I’m forecasting, your children’s children’s children might not even know who Santa is. But if it doesn’t, hopefully there is enough food for thought in here to make you, dear reader, consider your actions before you next thrust this heinous holiday hoax upon some child too young to unearth your lies.
The Four Discoursemen 