It is heartening to see that Labour are at last standing up for the ancient right of the inheritance of wealth. After a century of enduring suspicious glances from the sons of the rich, the party of the many has understood the plight of the few.
Ever since Henry Bolingbroke usurped Richard II out of filial duty to his father’s wealth (and presumably before that too), Englishmen have fought for what is rightfully theirs. Unfortunately, there was one obstacle which all the powers of jurisprudence could not overcome. Where the Prodigal Son succeeded, this Sceptred Isle had failed. Unless they risked a trip to the block, the sons of dukes had to wait patiently for the deaths of dukes.
Until now. Labour have shown their conservative colours, and will soon make possible a beautiful scene. Instead of nervous, frustrating years of family tension, an elderly viscount will be able to gather his children, shuffle some documents, and shuffle off this wretched plane with a quick injection from a smiling nurse. He will be able to time it perfectly with the end (or beginning, or middle – I am not an expert) of the financial year, and perhaps even with the fluctuations of the FTSE 100. Labour’s euthanasia bill will usher in peace and prosperity for our finest families.
It is not just that a marquess will depart this life with ease of mind; the legalisation of assisted suicide will be of great help to his children too. Picture his son, eyeing this term’s school bill with fear and trembling. He need simply point out his Lordship’s growing burden on the NHS and hand him a soothingly-coloured leaflet picked up in his GP’s waiting room. Very soon, the noble baton will be passed on, as it has been since the days of the Conqueror – followed by embraces, wobbling upper lips, and a little peek at the Monzo account.
Labour’s concern for the Peerage should not be a great surprise. It is only a few weeks ago that the government announced, out of their reverent munificence, that they would scrap the last remnant of noblesse oblige – the heavy burden placed on ninety or so hereditary lords to help with the legislature of our nation. It is touching to see how Sir Keir felt for the travails of barons weighed down by political responsibility. With the reforms to the House of Lords, they will be able to spend their days in the leisure they deserve.
When euthanasia becomes available, they may experience their country’s gratitude further, with a well-timed injection of their parents ensuring a well-timed injection of cash. ‘The sting of death is its lack of punctuality.’ Now earls across the land can sing, ‘Where, O death, is thy sting?’
Wisely did Edmund Burke list the right to the acquisitions of one’s parents as a fundamental human right. Soon, he will be able to rest easy in his grave – shortly joined by a host of well-dressed men, somewhat earlier than expected.
The Second Discourseman
The Four Discoursemen 